Earn It, Not Give It
Overboard on Self-Esteem
By Daniel Muniz

Do kids get too much lavish praise from their parents and from schools?

Although experts debate about whether or not young adults of today are now more narcissistic and self-absorbed than ever before, no one can deny the tremendous changes that occurred amongst certain parents and in some school systems in the early 1990’s. At that time our education system went overboard with the self-esteem movement and this trend quickly took root in school districts across the country.

It became enormously popular for educators and parents to tell children how great they were and how they must feel good about themselves regardless of the outcome of their activities and behavior. Oftentimes, praise was undeservedly heaped on kids for far too many things. In fact, it seemed that some schools were terrified of doing anything that could be interpreted as being negative.

It was like nobody wanted to be responsible for stunting a child’s social growth or ruining his self-esteem. Too many people felt that self-esteem was a fragile commodity that could easily be ripped away.

Teachers were encouraged to stop using red ink when grading papers because red was associated with failure. And instead of using a big red X to cross out a wrong answer, use a check mark of a different color for every right answer. Those are just a couple of simple examples but the policies of some schools bordered on the extreme and the ridiculous when it came to avoiding any semblance of negativity.

Some educators became concerned and greatly alarmed when administrators began using elements of the self-esteem movement for discipline. Instead of punishing a kid for a wrongdoing, he or she was lavished with praise and not reprimanded at all even if the infraction was serious. As a result, some students didn’t fear going to the principal’s office anymore because they knew that they were going to be rewarded instead of punished. This perverse incentive emboldened kids to continue with bad behavior.

Perhaps the biggest criticism about the self-esteem movement is that many people from a previous generation grew up with the understanding that self-esteem had to be earned instead of given away. A level of self-confidence was derived from accomplishing something in life. It was never handed out to you just because you showed up. You actually had to do something in order to get it.

Consequently, even failure was viewed in a favorable light because the understanding was that it helps build character. You could still learn something very real and substantial that you could apply in your everyday life so not achieving a particular goal was not exactly seen as something being completely negative even though it was.

In fact, it almost always seems sacrilegious to the people of a previous generation that kids of today are actually afraid of failure or anything negative in their life. Before the emergence of the great middle class and the affluence that permeates today’s society (even among the poor), lots of people were impoverished and had few of the luxuries that we all take for granted (such as air-conditioning in a classroom and cell phones).

If a student didn’t study for a test and ending up failing it, that was it; end of story. There wasn’t a parent calling up a teacher pleading for special treatment or worrying about how it might impact the child’s self-esteem. Flunking out could still teach a valuable lesson because it vividly demonstrated that a kid had to exert effort on his part because a passing grade was not going to be given to him.

And perhaps that is what annoys the critics the most. The over emphasis of feeling good about yourself produces a sense of entitlement. The coddling, even for bad behavior, smacks of vulgarity to a previous generation who grew up knowing that the world didn’t owe you anything and whatever you had, you had to earn it. Additionally, you could face very negative consequences and even punishment for exercising bad judgment.

Unfortunately, the biggest dilemma that schools face is telling the truth. Parents and society have become far too uncomfortable with honesty even if it means sacrificing a quality education for the sake of feeling good.

Educators have to give accurate feedback to students about where they stand academically. A wrong answer is still a wrong answer regardless if a teacher puts a smiley face in blue ink beside it. Consequently, failing a test is still failure. Parents, society, and our education system have to grow up and get over it when it comes to honesty because educators need to have the freedom to say what needs to be done for a child to improve academically.

Finally, what is most important is that children need to face the consequences in life, including the negative ones. For a child to take responsibility for his or her own actions are not easy but that is the surest way to develop character. And building character is perhaps the best way for anybody of any age to develop self-esteem because they are engaging in the process of actually earning it.

Of course the silliness of the self-esteem movement hasn’t come to an end; far from it.

Perhaps the best way to end the stupidity is to challenge our educational leadership with the truth. Yes, it is important that kids feel good about themselves but can they read and write and can they develop a sense of responsibility for their academic performance and for their own behavior?

The truth may be brutal but it sure beats having a generation of children who are narcissistic egomaniacs.

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